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Episode 11 – Why Being Nice Is F#*king Dumb

Under the Bodhi Tree

Episode 11 - Why Being Nice Is F#*king Dumb
Are you a chronic nice person? Do you behave a certain way (such as being nice) in order to get a certain reaction from people? Tune in on this episode of "Under the Bodhi Tree" w/ Tommy P. where we'll be exploring the nice "guy/girl" mindset and why it's a recipe for both disaster and ultimate disappointment.

Episode 11 – Why Being Nice Is F#*king Dumb
Under the Bodhi Tree

 
 
00:00 / 21:57
 
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Podcast Transcript

Snippet (00:01):

And you keep doing it and you keep being nice and the other person is not reacting the way you want them to. You get a little more upset. And after some time, a couple of weeks, a couple months, you f&#king explode.

Intro Music (00:17):

(light music)

Tommy P. (00:36):

Welcome to Under the Bodhi Tree with Tommy P. Today is Sunday, May 17th 2020. And I’m going to do a quick gratitude session because that’s what we do on Sundays. Is just to give thanks and be grateful for the things that we do have in our lives that we should be happy about.

Gratitude Session (01:07):

So the very first thing I’m going to be very thankful for is my f&#king job that I f&#king hate (Tommy P. laughs). The thing is I know when to be grateful, I have a decent job, alright, puts food on the table. Um, but I don’t enjoy it. I understand that it’s not something for me, but I still know to be grateful that I have it because of there’s a lot of people out there right now that are trying to make ends meet. 78% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck. And that’s unfortunate. And this can be a huge lesson to be learned for them here for most of us, not for them… To not depend on that paycheck, be self sufficient. So that’s number one. I’m grateful that I have this job that a f&#king hate.

More Stuff To Be Grateful For (02:21):

Alright. The next thing I’m going to be grateful for, um, is a roof over my head. There’s some kid over in Africa right now on a f&#king rock, starving to death, not knowing when he’s going to get his next meal and he might be surrounded by lions at the same damn time, put things into perspective. I’m just grateful that I have a roof over my head. So next thing I want to be grateful for. There’s a little creaking here, please don’t mind that… Is my f&#king projector. Oh my God is the sh!t. So before I moved into this apartment, I had, um, a small TV. It wasn’t big. It was about 42 inches, very old, it’s an LG, it’s a replica of a Samsung model. I forgot what it was, but it was a really good TV. But when I moved into this apartment, they have this f&#king wall because I live on a top floor and have a vaulted ceilings. The wall is so f&#king big. I can get a f&#king 72 inch TV and it will still look so damn small against this wall. So I decided to just sell my TV, not have any TV for a while because I don’t quite frankly, I don’t use it that much, but I had this huge wall. I’m like, what the f&#k am I going to do? I want to get a big TV, but I’m not going to spend that much money on the TV where I need a hundred inch to cover this wide. At least to make it look like it belongs there, right? The picture like it. If it’s too, if your TV is too small against the wall, that’s not made for it. It just looks too f&#king tiny. Look, it just exacerbates it, right? It’s already small. Now it’s even tinier because the wall behind it is too damn big.

TV Out, Projector In (04:30):

So I got a projector. The first projector I bought, I had no idea what the f&#k I was doing. Okay. Because there’s like a certain light, um, brightness within the projector that needs to be at a certain number in order to project at a certain distance. So the first one just didn’t work because I tried to do it way too far away. So I had to get another projector. So the second projector is, Oh my God, f&#king perfect. Holy sh!t. If I would have to guess how big this projector is against the wall compared to a TV, like let’s say if it was a TV in inches, it would be at least 120 inches. And it looks good. It’s not crisp compared to some of the more high end TVs out there. But it’s pretty good. It’s pretty good. It’s good enough for me. So I am grateful for that is my f&#king projector playing f&#king movies over there and sh!t. Oh my God. It’s all good.

Why Being Nice Is Not Smart (05:48):

All right. So those are the things I’m grateful for so far today. So let’s go ahead and get into the content on why being nice is a stupid f&#king idea. Once upon a time. Your boy, Tommy P was a very f&#king nice guy. The epitome, the quintessential nice guy. I cared about everyone. I gave a sh!t about everyone. It was their needs before mines every f&#king time, because I thought that that was the right thing to do. Yes ma’am, yes sir. Oh, do you need help with anything? I got it. I’ll help you I’ll do this for you. Oh, do you need anything? Oh, I got it for you.

Ulterior Motives (06:38):

There’s a huge downfall to that because a lot of people are nice, not because they are really deep in their core, a good person, but they do it for ulterior motives. They hope that the other person will be nice back to them.

Nice Guys (06:56):

And that’s why a lot of nice guys get in trouble when trying to talk to beautiful women because you’re being too damn nice. You supplicate and you don’t even know the girl. Yeah. She’s beautiful in your eyes, but you’re trying to be nice. And guess what that gets most of us, most of us, not all of us, there are exceptions and outliers. It gets you jack sh!t. It gets you jack sh!t. Sure, for these nice guys that are trying to engage in romantic relationships with these beautiful women, that they have an interest in by being nice. They don’t get that back. It’s unrequited love or unrequited love. There’s a really good book that I recommend. If there’s any guys out there and girls you’ll learn something from this book as well, it’s called No More. Mr. Nice Guy. And it was eye opening. When I read the book, I realized that there’s a lot of people that suffers from a nice guy syndrome.

To Truly Be Nice (08:21):

Remember in order for you to truly be nice and be of value and contribute to people around you, you must first fill your own cup. That’s the only way, everyone has their own cup. You have to fill it up with your own needs. Your wants your desires, things you want to do for yourself, pamper yourself before you’re able to truly give value, and contribute to other people in a more positive way.

Faking Nice (09:03):

You see a lot of nice people are just nice because they’re playing it safe. So let me just say that being nice is not a bad thing. It’s not at all that. A lot of people use being nice as a tool instead of just being nice. So for an example, a lot of people are just nice, but they don’t have confidence in themselves. That’s a chink in the armor that allows people to see you in that light that you hold yourself, right? If you’re so nice, but you don’t have a damn backbone. People who step all over you and people will take advantage of that. Sure. Intrinsically, most people are very good. But when they see that you have a weakness within you, they will pry. They’ll pry that sh!t wide open. It’s kind of the OCD of picking apart people.

People Will Treat You Accordingly (10:17):

So a good example of this is when you meet new people and you’re too nice, you don’t have confidence in yourself. You’re just being nice because you’re hoping the other person that you meet will be nice back at you. But let’s say that the other person that you’re meeting is not enlightened or not the type of person that is of good behavior and good mannerism, or grew up in a great household that taught them from right to wrong. So they don’t know any better. And you’re nice to them. But you kind of have this aura about you, where you’re just weak. You don’t give a f&#k about yourself. You, you feel like sh!t, you feel like you’re not worth it. Then people will pick up on that signal that you are emitting and people will treat you accordingly to how you treat yourself. So it’s not about being nice that’s the bad thing. But the way that you treat yourself, because people will use that as a litmus test on how to treat you. Being nice is not a bad thing, but it has to come from a deeper part of you. You can’t be superficial. You can’t be doing that in order to elicit a certain response from other people.

When Tommy P. Stopped Being Nice (11:49):

So let me go ahead and give you one of my first example of when I stopped being a nice guy. I don’t know what was going on in my life at that certain time, but I might’ve read a book. I might’ve just felt like, dude, what the f&#k is the point of being nice? I don’t get what I want. I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I get what I want, but it’s not all the time. Right? And I hated that feeling. That I’m being so nice where as the book will call it, No More Mr. Nice Guy… And it’s called a covert contract. And a lot of nice people do this. Not just nice guys, is when you’re acting nice for the sole purpose of the other person treating you a certain way, and if they don’t treat you the way that you had anticipated. You get f&#king upset and you hold it in and you keep doing it and you keep being nice. And the other person is not reacting the way you want them to. You get a little more upset. And after some time, a couple of weeks, a couple months, you f&#king explode and you get to a point when you feel f&#king guilty during that explosion. Saying some things that are not by definition, nice at all, where you feel so damn guilty, that you apologize to everyone that was a witness of such event, catastrophe. You hide yourself, self quarantine. Don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to go out. Cause you feel bad for saying the things that you said that obviously cut like a knife to people’s emotions and feelings. So then you act extra nice. Once you were ready to release yourself from the self quarantine, you act super nice to these people. You apologize. You say that won’t happen again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry.

Terrible Nice Cycle Repeats (14:16):

And then that cycle repeats itself. You’re extra nice. And you still underneath it all have this covert contract, is that since you’re being so extra nice, after some time that you expect people to respond in a certain way and when you don’t get it, you get upset again, it starts to build up and then you explode again and then the cycle starts all over again.

New Mentality (14:49):

So let’s go ahead and talk about, on how to deal with this. How the f&#k do you stop being nice all together. If you feel like a chronic nice guy and you’re just tired of it, I invite you to adopt this mentality and that is you can’t please everyone. You can’t no matter who you are. Mother Teresa, Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi. There are controversy with some of these figures, but for the good that they have done in the world, the major good that they’ve done in this world, they still have haters. So why should you even try to please and be nice to everyone just so they can like you. Don’t give a crap what people think of you and don’t care if they like you or not. It doesn’t matter. It only matters what you think of yourself and if you like yourself or not. So moving forward, I invite you all to start being real with yourself and with the people that are around you, because people that will like you for being you will end up loving you and the people that don’t already like you when you have on this facade, won’t like you regardless. And you don’t even give them a chance to see the real you. So it’s a lose, lose situation when you’re just being overly nice. And just trying to be someone you’re not in order to get a certain reaction, an emotion, or response by the people that you’re dealing with.

Be Real (16:27):

You can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. So stop trying to please other people and stop trying to be nice to other people. Some people will hate your f&#king guts and it’s okay. Some people will love you and that’s great, but be real be you. This is what stoicism is all about is just being real, holding yourself to a certain standard and living that standard and not letting yourself down. Who gives a sh!t what other people feel about you or think of you.

Baby Steps, Learn to Do This (17:03):

So let’s try to start simple here the next time, when there’s a chance for you to give a public speaking gig. No, I’m just kidding, but let’s start small the next time you have an opportunity to say no, just say no. Okay. When someone invites you out to something and you don’t want to be there, just say, no, I learned how to say it in a nice way, sandwich it, kind of like, Hey, you know, I would love to go there, but you know, I can’t, I’m kinda tied up at home right now, but you know, maybe we can hang out another time, something like that. Right. But just start saying no to people, start telling people that, Hey, I don’t want to do that thing in a very kind way is the word should be used instead of nice.

Be This Instead (17:52):

Because growing up a lot of our parents tell us to play nice, to be nice to other people. But in actuality, I think what they meant was be kind to other people. Nice has this superficial layer, right. Where you’re being nice in order to please somebody. No, instead just be kind, you’re being kind because that’s your being, you’re being kind because you give a sh!t and you don’t need another person or people to respond to you in a certain way, just because you treated them a certain way. You’re just kind, because you’re kind, so of course, I’m going to leave it up to you guys and girls to really play around with the tension when you’re in that scenario and try not to make a social faux pas. But if you feel like you want to, and you don’t mind it, that’s going to help you with your growth as a person as well.

Tommy P. Gives Some Perspective (18:54):

So just a thought here is that who knows how long we’re going to be here on this earth, on this floating rock. Holy sh!t. I mean, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. I can’t believe there are some people out there that just don’t believe that there is another sign of intelligence out there besides us it’s insane, but that’s another topic for another time. But what I want to say is that we may live here for another day, year, 20 years, 50, a hundred years. I don’t know. Right? But we’re on this rock experiencing consciousness for a certain amount of time. Or as we know, as we traverse through this thing called life and the timeline of it, our thoughts will always be with us, will always accompany us. Will be there for us when we’re feeling good. We’ll be there for us absolutely when we’re feeling like sh!t, so learn to be real with yourself, be kind to yourself, do things that satisfy you and be kind to others only because you want to. Not because you’re trying to elicit a response, be real. Do you booboo. That’s what Kevin Hart would say, do you booboo.

Conclusion (20:27):

All right. And that concludes this episode, episode 11, of Under the Bodhi Tree with Tommy P. I also have a blog higherselfconcepts dot com concepts, plural with an S that’s higherselfconcepts.com. And I have tons of articles on my blog of questions that have been sent to me. And it’s very interesting questions. If you like this kind of content, definitely check it out. So I just want to thank you very much for listening in on my podcasts. Episode 11! I can’t believe it. Anyways, practice social distancing still, wash your hands, wear a mask, be kind to other people. And most importantly, just be real with yourself, with the people around you. And even if they end up hating your f&#king guts because they hate your f&#king face or whatever, the reason at the least they’ll respect you more. Okay. Until so next time, peace the f&#k out.

Outro Music (21:35):

(light music)

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Tommy P.
Tommy P.

My very first thought when I became aware of my very own consciousness in this earthly world was... "whoa... why are we here? what's the meaning or purpose to life?" I was never able to shake these questions... So come join me on my podcast of rants on many different topics that will assist you in seeing things through a rose-colored lens and on living a life of well-being.

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